Being in the Bubble

Long time no post! 6 months to be exact. I don't really have a good excuse, but I have a bad excuse which is that I lost all motivation and inspiration to write one. Sorry!!

Anyway, I thought the new year would be a good opportunity to write a new blog post. I have also decided to put less pressure on myself with this blog and just post whatever I am thinking and feeling at the time. It does not have to be a perfect long-winded essay...I look back on my previous posts and think to myself, "How on earth did I manage to write all that stuff?".

I am not even really sure what I am going to say in this blog post. All I know at the time of writing this sentence is that I want it to be called 'Being in a Bubble', so I guess that is somewhat of an indication of what is to come.

Now if you suffer from long covid or another chronic illness you may know exactly what I mean when I refer to a 'bubble'. But I imagine each person's perception of their bubble is different and unique. For example, since February 2023 I have been in a long covid bubble where typical, everyday, adult things were exiled (eg. work, exercise, etc.) and only a handful of things remained. Some of the few things that were permitted in my bubble from February 2023 to August 2023 were family, healthy eating, a few friends, doctor appointments, naps, writing blog posts, my boyfriend Jake, my dog Autumn and very slow, short walks (with my dog Autumn and sometimes my boyfriend Jake). Since my last blog post though, my bubble has kindly welcomed a few more things into it. I am now doing an online counselling course one day a week, I practice yin yoga and meditation, I am tutoring 3 students weekly in science and the slow short walks (with my dog Autumn and sometimes my boyfriend Jake) have gotten a little faster and a little longer. I guess you could say that my bubble has expanded slightly. Nevertheless, I am still in it.

The bubble I was forced to assemble when I first became unwell generated a barrier from the nasty energy-engulfing things of the world, like a job, responsibilities, commitments and most of all, other people (energy vampires!). I am aware of how fortunate I am to have a deeply supportive family and therefore I was able to construct my bubble with very little responsibilities and stress inside of it.

Due to my debilitating and exhausting symptoms, I have had to be picky about what I let in. For instance, the people in my bubble do not mind when I have to cancel a plan or take a nap, they don't care when I get confused or experience brain fog. It is a place where my health and energy levels can be managed appropriately and cost-benefit analysis for every activity can be calculated meticulously without impatience or judgement from others. I believe the bubble was what I needed (and still need) to try to continue my life as a sane, balanced individual. However, the same bubble that offers me this protection can also be a barrier, isolating me from the outside world. And boy have I felt this! The security it provides can act as a prison and this can be a very hard thing to navigate.

On occasion, I sometimes forget I am actually in a bubble. I naively make plans with friends to go out for lunch or I decide to go food shopping, attend an appointment and clean the house all in the same day. Just like the good old days! But without fail, every time, I am humbly reminded that I am indeed still in a bubble and I need to stay in it if I wish to function somewhat successfully as a human. I had to let down and cancel on so many people last year for so many different things because my bubble stubbornly refused to widen to let them in. I learnt the hard way to respect the boundaries that the bubble sets out for me. But looking inwards, as I observe the '4 walls' of the fortress that I built for myself, I have one word to describe what I see. Grateful. I am so grateful for what and who is inside my bubble. Although it isn't much and it is certainly not a place where I wish to set up camp for the rest of my life (I have far too many dreams and ambitions!) for now at least, I feel I have accepted where I am with it all. In my cosy little bubble.

I have no idea how my bubble will be shaped throughout this year or what it will look like by the end of 2024, it may not even exist by then, who knows! But what I do know is that right now there are definitely far worse places to be and every day I wake up counting my blessings.

So as we enter this new year still carrying the struggles and burdens we possessed from the year before, perhaps instead of writing a New Year's resolution, consider what the inside of your bubble looks like. Of course, there will be responsibilities in there that take up a large permanent residence. In fact, some commitments in your life may even colonise or monopolise your bubble, for example, children or caring responsibilities can not just be paused because you are chronically ill. The show must go on! Similarly, money needs to be made in this modern world in order to survive, so again, a job or a welfare scheme is perhaps a non-negotiable occupier in your bubble.

But for the individuals and things inhabiting your bubble that you perhaps do have some control over...are they being satisfactory tenants? Or is it time to have a spring clean? Make sure to let in all of the wonderful, beautiful and radiating stuff the world has to offer and give an eviction notice to the things/people that drain or don't serve you or your health journey. You never know too, your bubble could even start to grow and blossom as a result.

Wishing you all the best for 2024 and I promise I wont leave it as long as I did last time to write another post!